How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism, and Other Dangers That Threaten Their Nine Lives

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How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism, and Other Dangers That Threaten Their Nine Lives
How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism, and Other Dangers That Threaten Their Nine Lives



The cats of America are under siege! 
Long gone are the good old days when a cat’s biggest worries were mean dogs or a bath. Modern cats must confront satanists, online predators, the possibility of needing to survive in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, and countless other threats to their nine lives.

For over four decades, the American Association of Patriots have stood at the vanguard of our country’s defense by helping to prepare our nation’s cat owners for the difficult conversations they dread having with their pets. Written in a simple Q&A format, How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety answers crucial questions such as, “What is the right age to talk to my cat about the proper use of firearms?” and “What are the benefits of my cat living a lifestyle of abstinence?” and especially “Why does my cat need to use the internet? Can’t he just play with yarn like cats used to do?”

Our country—and our cats—stand at a precipice. It will take courage, and it will take hard work, but armed with the knowledge within these pages, we can make our cats—and America—great again!

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Additional information

Specification: How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism, and Other Dangers That Threaten Their Nine Lives


Crown, Illustrated edition (October 4, 2016)




144 pages





Item Weight

6.8 ounces


5.46 x 0.39 x 8.22 inches

Reviews (10)

10 reviews for How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety: And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism, and Other Dangers That Threaten Their Nine Lives

4.9 out of 5
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  1. Ícaro de Souza

    This reads like a NRA pamphlet or a Facebook rant page. The edited pictures of cats are hilarious. I really liked it. I kinda expected it to be 200+ pages of meow meow meow, but this is also pretty good.

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  2. Smitten

    I got this for a family member who likes guns and cats. The book actually goes over points and safety too!

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  3. Lasso The Mayday

    Let me just start by extending my utmost gratitude and appreciation to the author of this book. For years I watched in horror as my cat made decision after reckless decision, wasting eight of his precious God given lives. A tale as old as time…His first life was lost to marijuana poisoning. Second and third, sacrificial satanic rituals gone awry. Fourth life lost after a pistol misfire during a wild western style dual with the neighbor’s cat…(and don’t even get me started on the neighbor’s cat!) In his fifth life he hussled too hard. That one is particularly difficult for me to talk about without triggering a series of violent emotional fits, my apologies. During his sixth life he dabbled purr-fusely as an esteemed purr-fessional gigalo, falling victim to a wicked transmitted disease (Looking at you, neighbor’s cat!!!), the likes of which modern medicine has yet to find a cure. Much to my dismay, both his seventh AND eighth lives were spent smuggling weapons (and catnip) across the Canadian border. My cat, an arms dealer? And smuggling the “purr-p nip” illegals?! I’d just about had it, friends. One day shortly after he’d entered his ninth life, I noticed he’d checked out a book on Satanism from our local library. I’d also witnessed him making soft eyes at the neighbor’s cat. “NOT AGAIN” I thought, “NOT THIS TIME AROUND.” Fearful of what would happen if I didn’t intervene, I began to research diligently for any applicable preventative guidance that might be available to the public. I was determined to secure the purity and safety of my dear cat during his final curtain call in this malicious world! By chance, I stumbled upon this glorious and assistive owners guide. It has more than just your average, run of the mill tips and tricks. It provided my wounded heart and weary spirit with a roadmap to facilitating positive change. In it I found a fresh perspective and countless renewed approaches for talking openly with my cat, sans hesitation. We discussed the errs of recklessness with calculated purr-pose. Sure, we were both hesitant at first… cautious, slightly flustered and embarrassed. Despite the temporary social discomfort this book paved way for opportunity in developing an unfiltered bond of trust between the two of us. We collaborated. We discussed our feelings and experiences. We enlightened each other with the gift of perspective from our own personal lens. My cat now lives each day to the absolute fullest. He helps out around the house, folds laundry, and even makes dinner one night a week. He studied and invested in the stock market, finding a decent amount of success therein. He hasn’t stolen my car or any petty cash from my purse to this date and has yet to watch a single R rated film, insisting he has no desire to ever do so (the only exception being the Wolf of Wall Street). As an additional bonus he managed to convert the neighbor’s cat to Christianity, both of them swearing scout’s honor to a life of respectable celibacy! He also practices mindfulness, meditation and gratitude in hopes to one day land among the monks. Friends, I can now proudly declare that my cat has turned over many a new leaf! He is a positive and astute influence for all, a jovial saint, a blessing with fur—and it’s all thanks to this book! If you can relate in any way to the troubles and tribulations outlined in this review and are for some reason still on the fence about purchasing this book, allow me put your indecision to bed. You will not regret this investment in the slightest. Even if you don’t personally own a cat but know someone that does, buy it. It’s worth every penny to secure this credible, top-drawer reference guide! Educate yourself and everyone you know for the greater good. Don’t wait for your cat to lose another of their nine lives, buy today! Knowledge is power and safety is key, click “buy it now” and grateful you’ll be.

    All the stars!

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  4. Kelly Browning

    I wish I could give this 10 stars! This book is too funny and will make a great stocking stuffer for the conservative cat owners out there.

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  5. debbie cole

    I’ve taught my cat so much

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  6. Tumbles

    Truly a masterpiece of information knowledge. Around every turn there’s so many things trying to corrupt our cats and ruin the United States of America. It is our god-given right to protect our cats from the liberal agenda.

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  7. caleb conant

    “How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety” is a delightful and lighthearted guide that offers a unique approach to tackling serious topics in a humorous way. This book is a refreshing and entertaining read for cat owners and enthusiasts.

    Engaging and Accessible Writing Style: The author skillfully combines humor and wit to deliver valuable information. The writing style is engaging and approachable, making it easy to follow along and enjoy the book’s content. It strikes a perfect balance between entertainment and providing essential guidance.

    Humorous Yet Thought-Provoking Topics: The book covers a range of absurd scenarios, including gun safety, that are presented with a comedic twist. It humorously highlights the importance of responsible behavior and prompts readers to think critically about various everyday situations. It cleverly uses these scenarios as a platform to discuss broader issues surrounding safety and responsibility.

    Quirky Illustrations: The inclusion of charming and whimsical illustrations adds an extra layer of enjoyment to the reading experience. The artwork complements the humorous tone of the book, making it even more visually appealing and memorable.

    Unique Concept: “How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety” stands out from traditional self-help books by presenting serious subjects through a comical lens. It takes an imaginative and unexpected approach, providing an entertaining way to address important conversations and raising awareness about responsible behavior.

    Light-hearted Entertainment: This book is an excellent choice for those looking for a light-hearted and amusing read. It offers a refreshing break from heavier subjects, offering a chuckle-inducing experience that is sure to bring a smile to readers’ faces.

    In conclusion, “How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety” is a whimsical and enjoyable guide that cleverly blends humor with important messages. It’s a must-read for cat owners seeking a unique take on responsible behavior. This book proves that learning and laughter can go hand in hand, making it a delightful addition to any bookshelf.

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  8. juni

    very important, dnd is a game of satan

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  9. JW

    Fun little book but has a great message in it.

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  10. Kelly Black

    This is honestly so amazing I got it for my boyfriend and I know he’s going to love it not sire if he’ll read it but I hope he does

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